Transition

Aug. 11th, 2016 09:15 am
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
I haven't posted in some time, however do know that I have been doing okay. This sudden surge in "okayness" likely stems from the fact that a previous denial to be seen by a gender specialist has been revoked, and I have a consultation with her in a neighbouring town on the upcoming Monday.
   I have been informed that the meeting will last two hours, and will encompass a range of questions to determine my "eligibility" for Testosterone. I have also been informed, however, that after the previous incident in which I was denied, I am basically confirmed for a referral to a nice endocrinologist called Nick.

Excitement wouldn't be the word I would use to describe how I feel about this meeting. If anything, nervous, stressed, and frightened fit the bill a little more closely. Having been turned away once already, I am terrified that I will be turned away again. I'm scared that I will be asked a question to which my answer will not be considered "trans enough" and thus I'll be denied my opportunity to medically transition.

Alas, life goes on, and I am putting aside my fears, instead looking forward to hope. I suppose it isn't the best thing to get my hopes up, but it's better than wallowing in pessimism.

As such, I'll leave this here and continue to do my school work (or just write fanfic oops).

Denial

Jul. 29th, 2016 07:42 pm
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
 I would like to keep this short as I am in a state of numbness and hopelessness. To put it quite frankly, I am tempted to just lay down and die with the help of my various meds.

Today I received a letter from the only nearby clinic that would be able to help me transition, within maybe four or five hours driving distance (so the only accessible clinic). It was supposed to allow me to be referred for analysis by a psychiatrist or whomever the specialist would be, who would then refer me to an endocrinologist to get testosterone for my transition.
   However, I was crushed. I'd just come home from school after an already stressful day of doing chemistry tests and accidentally getting acid in my open wound, and I had settled down to some maths homework, only to find myself reading the worst letter I could ever have received.

I was denied. I was denied to be seen by a specialist, and I quote that I was, "not severe enough" to receive their help. What I really read was that I wasn't transgender enough to receive their help, which is clearly what they were implying. Even worse, they referred to me by my birth name and with female pronouns despite my hospital record clearly stating to use the name Gabriel with male pronouns. They clearly have zero respect for me, and the fact that they would claim I'm not "severe enough" without even having bloody met me is absurd; they made assumptions about me that could easily have been cleared up had they agreed to meet me.

I'm not "severe enough"? I wake up every morning and get in the shower. When I undress I refuse to look down, ashamed of my female body. In the shower, I want to scratch my chest off, hating having to clean flesh and fat that shouldn't even be there. I get out of the shower, and refuse to look in the large mirrors that threaten to reveal my disgusting body shape, getting in to my binder as fast as possible.
   Every day at school, I hold back tears at the harsh comments of "tranny" and "faggot" that get thrown around like child's play, knowing that I need to be thick-skinned to survive in a bigoted world. I come home to more comments, youtube videos, news articles that promote transphobic ideologies, that majority of the population believe in. At night, I dream about my loved ones screaming my birth name and birth pronouns at me, and it crushes me.
   Then I rinse and repeat. But I'm not SEVERE ENOUGH?

Anyway, my youth worker who runs the LGBT group (which I actually started up mid last year) in my town, is furious. She is the one who referred me to this place in the first place, assuring me that I would not be turned down for the exact reason that I was turned down. I had on multiple occasions voiced my doubts, expressing my fear that they would think I'm not "trans" enough for testosterone, but she'd said that it would never happen; they're kind people.
   Having been proved wrong, she's now ready to call them up and demand answers on how they could dare turn me down without even considering me. Especially after four months; I've been waiting four bloody months to hear back from them, and this is the answer I get? I'm furious, and tired, and scared, and upset. I cried for hours after reading this news, and my face still stings red. I cut my hand open with a steak knife and didn't feel a thing, I was so numb--I just wanted to know if what I was going through was real, I wanted it to be a dream so desperately. But no, it wasn't; it isn't.

I was denied my own identity today, and I'm sick of it. I just... I just want to die.

End Me.

Jul. 27th, 2016 08:56 pm
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
Having recently started my third term of school, I've leaped back in to my daily routines rather ineffectively. This morning, I awoke an hour later than I should have (7:10AM rather than 6:10AM) and had to rush to get myself ready for school. In this time I entirely forgot about many things and ended up forgetting to both drink and eat, which I am required to do when taking my meds. Needless to say, about half an hour upon arriving at school I began to get nauseous and spent half the day queasy and not willing to do any work.

The one good thing to come of today and the past few days is that I have at least got back in to a reasonable reading routine. Having not read a word of a book for three weeks, it's really quite nice to pick up my crime thriller Dr. Death and read about the ethical tightropes the characters walk upon the subject of assisted suicide.
   On the matter of reading, I also last night messaged my town council to sign me up to the online eBook selection which requires a valid library card number. So now, I have leased one three week book titled The Eye Collector, a crime thriller (as usual) and intend to read it alongside Scaredy Cat upon finishing Dr. Death.

Drawing has come naturally to me these past few days also, and I've mostly done simple, small sketches on my blue notepaper that sits beside my computer atop my desk. I've created a new OC, so far nameless, who vaguely resembles 2D from Gorillaz in aspects of their design, includig the blacked out eyes.

Writing has been painfully slow for me and I haven't opened my fanfiction (though it's not really a fanfiction, it just takes the basis of a movie and uses it) for this entire week so far, too stressed about upcoming exams in school. Mock exams are nearing, in week five, and I'm terrified of them. Even more so because I don't think I'm going to be able to pass the year, as I have very few credits logged from my assignments. This could however just be because my English teacher never freaking puts them on my account and as such they don't get sent to NZQA. I'm hoping that the end of year externals give me enough credits (I get about 15 per class, some of them only 10, with 5 classes. Worst case scenario, 30 credits.)

Anyhow, that'll be all for today as I am terribly bored and intend on listening to music and dying for the next hour until bed time. 
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
Today marks my final day as a free person, and in about eight minutes my bed will call for me, I'll read, I'll sleep, and I'll go to school for the first time in two weeks upon waking.

Realising suddenly I had homework, today became a mad rush to finish the Static Image I had due for English tomorrow. I did so on my iPad, so it's terribly done and has no pressure sensitivity.



As you can see, it's a clear reference to Hannibal Rising, both book and movie form. It was for an assignment titled "Static Image" in which one must choose an important quote or theme from a text (including movies, poems etc.) and display this text and its background in symbolism. You can probably get the gist of the image just by looking at it, but yeah everything means something and most of it was just making fun of the assignment because for some reason in English everything has to be a representation of something deeper.


------------------------------


 
I also drew two Pokemon pictures, and while one is clearly better than the other (*cough cough* the Mimikyu *cough cough*) I still love both of my babies. 



 
But yeah anyhow off to bed...

- Gabriel Edgar Fox Mulder 

P.S. kill me i dont want to go to school aaaaaaaAAAAAAA
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
 Second to last day of the holidays. Things accomplished:
  • Level 152 on Maplestory, Bishop. 
  • Spend 22.34NZD on NX for said Maplestory character (Probably a bad idea but eh I'm 16 let me live)
Things I probably should have accomplished:
  • Homework finished. I have 2 things due first day back, and an exam paper.
  • Taking my meds. It's a bit late for that now.
  • Feeding my fish. Probably didn't do that because, y'know, forgot my meds and was a nauseous mess all day.
  • Written fanfic (sounds dumb but I swear it's not stupid 12 year old shit. I'm lit I promise.)
  • READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING GOD GEt OFF YOUR PC GABE.
Most importantly, I probably should get on to my Russian studies. Been kinda slacking on that. Oops.

Regardless, the reason I accomplished so little and that which I did accomplish were completely trivial game-based achievements (or money spending oops) is that I, last night, had the worst sleep known to man. I went to bed at say 11pm like usual for a holiday night, but found myself tossing and turning unable to sleep for a good hour before I figured out what was wrong. My duvet inside had all piled up at the end, and the sheet between me and it had ridden up and bunched together. Of course, at this point, I'm hella tired and just want to die so I curl up in a ball and suffer in the cold for another good hour before rolling on to my back and dozing off at say 1.30AM.
   Hooo boy but that isn't the end of it all, oh no. My mum got up to go to the weekend market (she sells baking and jams and stuff there each Saturday) at around 5:40AM and woke me up. So I got what, 4:10 hours of sleep? Pretty shit sleep no less, no cool dreams about hot cannibals or any of that steamy shit. Just blackness. Even better, it turned out it was raining so she didn't even go to the fucking market and just went back to bed. But I was already wide fucking awake at this point, and just decided to sit on my phone for a couple of hours before drawling myself out from under my bunched up, mess of a fucking duvet.

So yeah, 23/07/16 ended up not such a good day. There's still time. There's still like 5 hours left. I might actually do my homework or something who knows.

Probably not tho don't get ur hopes up.
rielysian: Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town pulling a face, meme style (robbie)
God end me, the holidays are almost over. After nearly two weeks of going to bed at a reasonable hour of 11pm and waking up at the most definitely UNreasonable hour of 1pm, my 24/7 Netflix time is nearly at its end. During this time I've spent little to no moments finishing up the homework I have due first day back for English class, very little on my Russian studies that I am now desperately trying to catch up on, and god forbid I pick up a book and read it (also for my English class). 

Instead, I've spent most of my time starting shows and giving up on them four or five episodes in on the premise that they start good, but it's a downward spiral from there. It seems there are little to no good horror movies left for me to watch, either, and so I've spent more time actually scouring the internet looking for things to watch rather than actually watching things.

Alas, here's a small list for anybody interested (nobody will be) that I recommend:

The Awakening (Spooky ghost stories are my fav, especially ones set in like the 1900's)
Cube (It's a series. The second one is a bit myeh but it gives insight in to the first one. Fourth dimension hypercube insanity.)
The Boy (The one about the doll. It's okay I guess. Babysitter gets hired to babysit creepy looking doll boy.)
Shutter (It's about spirit photography and gets pretty wild.)


Yeah there's probably more but fuck it I'm bored and gonna go do nothing for the next 3 days then cry because I "forgot" to do my homework, aka. it was constantly on my mind but as usual I said "fuck it".
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
 For the past hour and a half I have been relentlessly practicing my otherwise god awful Cyrillic script. As I do intend to study in Russia in the coming future as a university student, it is only reasonable that I learn Russian, which I have been doing for some months now. However, the one thing that ties me up in a knot of "I-give-the-fuck-up" is their damned handwriting.

It annoys me that their first graders can pick it up without a second glance and become masterful artists with a calligraphy pen, but I can't even form the word люблю (love/like) without it looking like a jumbled mess. I suppose I should probably print some of their worksheets out that they teach their native students with.

In fact, you know what, in case any of you are suffering the same linguistic troubles, here's a nice pdf document to practice your Cyrillic script:
https://lingualift.com/ru/files/docs/russian-writing-cursive.pdf
Obviously not made by me, radarada, credit to Lingua Lift. 

If anyone wants, we can compare shitty Russian notes and cry about our choice in linguistic study.
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
 I've never even heard of this site before but I found a link to it on tumblr, and as a precaution for the inevitable downfall of the site I once called home, I decided to sign up here. Hopefully I can use this both as a personal and public journal to spout nonsense about my daily life aka what level I reached on Pokemon Go, etc. 

Regardless, this first post is just a tester to see how it looks on my chosen theme and as such will remain quite short. Tallyho, friends, I do hope to enjoy this website with its cutesie creative name and ample features.

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