Denial

Jul. 29th, 2016 07:42 pm
rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
[personal profile] rielysian
 I would like to keep this short as I am in a state of numbness and hopelessness. To put it quite frankly, I am tempted to just lay down and die with the help of my various meds.

Today I received a letter from the only nearby clinic that would be able to help me transition, within maybe four or five hours driving distance (so the only accessible clinic). It was supposed to allow me to be referred for analysis by a psychiatrist or whomever the specialist would be, who would then refer me to an endocrinologist to get testosterone for my transition.
   However, I was crushed. I'd just come home from school after an already stressful day of doing chemistry tests and accidentally getting acid in my open wound, and I had settled down to some maths homework, only to find myself reading the worst letter I could ever have received.

I was denied. I was denied to be seen by a specialist, and I quote that I was, "not severe enough" to receive their help. What I really read was that I wasn't transgender enough to receive their help, which is clearly what they were implying. Even worse, they referred to me by my birth name and with female pronouns despite my hospital record clearly stating to use the name Gabriel with male pronouns. They clearly have zero respect for me, and the fact that they would claim I'm not "severe enough" without even having bloody met me is absurd; they made assumptions about me that could easily have been cleared up had they agreed to meet me.

I'm not "severe enough"? I wake up every morning and get in the shower. When I undress I refuse to look down, ashamed of my female body. In the shower, I want to scratch my chest off, hating having to clean flesh and fat that shouldn't even be there. I get out of the shower, and refuse to look in the large mirrors that threaten to reveal my disgusting body shape, getting in to my binder as fast as possible.
   Every day at school, I hold back tears at the harsh comments of "tranny" and "faggot" that get thrown around like child's play, knowing that I need to be thick-skinned to survive in a bigoted world. I come home to more comments, youtube videos, news articles that promote transphobic ideologies, that majority of the population believe in. At night, I dream about my loved ones screaming my birth name and birth pronouns at me, and it crushes me.
   Then I rinse and repeat. But I'm not SEVERE ENOUGH?

Anyway, my youth worker who runs the LGBT group (which I actually started up mid last year) in my town, is furious. She is the one who referred me to this place in the first place, assuring me that I would not be turned down for the exact reason that I was turned down. I had on multiple occasions voiced my doubts, expressing my fear that they would think I'm not "trans" enough for testosterone, but she'd said that it would never happen; they're kind people.
   Having been proved wrong, she's now ready to call them up and demand answers on how they could dare turn me down without even considering me. Especially after four months; I've been waiting four bloody months to hear back from them, and this is the answer I get? I'm furious, and tired, and scared, and upset. I cried for hours after reading this news, and my face still stings red. I cut my hand open with a steak knife and didn't feel a thing, I was so numb--I just wanted to know if what I was going through was real, I wanted it to be a dream so desperately. But no, it wasn't; it isn't.

I was denied my own identity today, and I'm sick of it. I just... I just want to die.

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rielysian: Two sculpture angels sitting together against a plain pink background (Default)
Rielysian

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